Close To You
by Vee-sempai
Summary: Squall realizes he has nowhere and no one to go home to... Zell/Squall
1. Road Trip!

  
***  
(Quick Disclaimer) This is my first real FFVII fic, so be gentle... I'd like to say now that I haven't been able to finish the game yet due to what I fervently hope ISN'T a glitch on my disk... and this fic is supposed to take place after the game ends. I realize I may be taking some risks here, but I wanted to write it anyway, and I have read all of the Strategy Guide... So I hope my mistakes won't be too horribly glaring. By the way, before someone has the need to flame me due to my lack of knowledge, I do realize that Squall and Rinoa are canon. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. ^_^ I'm attempting desperately to write Rinoa in character, so don't think I'm just gonna make her however stupid I want because I don't especially like her. For that matter, I'm trying to write everyone in character, and I'd like to know if I succeed or not. So review me! I'll try harder if I need to!  
***  
  
Vacation.  
Eight weeks of paid vacation.  
Squall Leonhart stared at the notice in his gloved hand in silent dismay. Vacation. Since when were SeeDs given vacation? They were elite mercenaries, not office workers.  
Eight weeks...? No missions, no anything for eight weeks? He scowled in consternation, crumpling the missive up into his fist. What in the world was he going to do with himself for eight weeks? He had a hard enough time keeping from jumping off the second floor observation deck in absolute boredom when he had a free day, let alone two full months. Squall shoved the balled paper in the a pocket of his leather jacket, standing up from his study panel and stalking towards the door.  
He glanced back into the classroom, the classroom that hadn't changed for as long as he could remember... Even though he was a level A SeeD, he still took classes whenever he could. To keep himself in shape, as it were.   
Though it wasn't quite as interesting now that Quistis wasn't teaching anymore. Not that he would ever tell her that, of course.   
Squall cast his gaze to the floor and stepped out ito the hallway, the buzz of voices dying down briefly at his approach. Their quick glances prickled across the back of his neck, but Squall ignored it as best he could. It was nothing new, after all... His name had been widespread ever since the Headmaster had appointed him , and no matter how much he hated it, he was as much of a celebrity in Balamb Garden as Quistis was. She had been a loved instructor, and now he was the one who made all the life-and-death decisions.  
Whatever forces ran the universe were determined to make his life a living hell.  
Squall! Squall, wait uuuuuuuuuppppp!!!!  
The dark-haired SeeD winced and doubled his pace. This was exactly what he didn't need right now. He needed a dark room and peace and quiet, not-  
The elevator doors had almost dinged shut behind him when she rocketed her way in, panting heavily, doubled over and clutching at the ribs he could almost see through her thin shirt. It took only a few seconds for the girl to catch her breath again and bounce up to peer into his eyes with those smugly knowing eyes of hers. The eyes that professed to know everything about him, and yet so often got everything completely wrong.  
I was gonna keep quiet until I was done, but- but- I passed my written test! Rinoa Heartlily Caraway fairly squealed, throwing her skinny arms around his neck and bouncing wildly. Squall heaved a quiet sigh, feeling the other passengers' interested gazes all too acutely, just like so many rifles trained on him ready to fire. He was well aware of the rumors that floated about the Garden about them, and he'd stopped trying to debunk them months ago. It didn't do any good anyway, and too often reinforced their convictions that he was simply in denial.  
It wasn't until she subdued herself and let go that the deeper ramifications of her words actually settled into his mind. Your... written exam...? he repeated dumbly.  
Rinoa beamed, a look that wouldn't have seemed out of place on Selphie's face. I just have to pass my field exam in three weeks, then I'm a SeeD, just like you! In a transformation that was as impressive as it was bone-chilling, her triumph and pride slid into sly consideration, one dark eyebrow raising as she sidled up far closer to him than he was at all comfortable with.  
she fairly purred, a SeeD has to accompany me on my exam... I don't suppose-  
I'm on vacation, Squall said abruptly, then directed his gaze forward as the elevator reached the first floor.   
He could feel her pout burning into the back of his skull, but Squall refused to turn back, stalking out of the elevator and down the stairs, a forbidding shadow amongst the bright happiness of the other students. They left him a broad path, and always had... All those, of course, except those six...   
Those six he was never going to be able to get rid of.  
First, of course, had been Seifer... Seifer had never left him alone, always taunting and jeering and tripping him in the hallway. He'd never understood exactly why... and he wasn't sure he ever would. And Quistis... she had left him alone for a while, until she had quit teaching. Then she had insisted on being there, being a part of his daily life, teasing him in that infuriating way of hers and scolding him like a mother hen whenever he so much as bruised himself. She was smothering... but almost in a nice way... Like a mother would have been. Like his brief memories of Ellone and Matron from the orphanage.   
Rinoa had always been the most insistent, even though she hadn't been around as long as some of the others. She had grabbed hold of him that day in Timber, and even before then, at the party. But she was different in her insistence... Demanding without words that he be there to take care of her, that he care about her... She wanted him to be dependable, he supposed. And he didn't want to be dependable. He didn't want people to depend on him.  
Of course, that was all people did nowadays.  
And Irvine. He had the distinct feeling that Irvine simply didn't respect his ability to take care of himself. He didn't see how he had the nerve, considering the mess of neuroses the other man was. But still... always interfering, planning things for him, taking control of the group when he wasn't around... Of course, he also had the feeling that a lot of those actions were under the sinister direction of Selphie Tilmitt. Selphie just had a way of making anybody do anything. She oozed cute' at them until they submitted. And if that failed, she would cheerfully blow some things up until she got her way.  
Somehow, he couldn't help but be a bit fond of Selphie.  
Selphie, in all honesty, had been the second to recieve his grudging liking. The first... The first, in blatant defiance with everything he had believed he was, and yet somehow making so much sense, had been Zell.  
Zell... yes, Zell.   
He'd always disliked the blond the least out of his classmates. He was loud, he was occasionally extremely annoying, he was strangely intimidating, but for some reason he had found it impossible to hate him. He still did, no matter the stupid things Zell did in the heat of the moment, and there had been quite a few...   
He didn't know just why he liked him. But he did, and he had, for quite some time now. He'd proved himself a valuable ally, a trustworthy battle partner, and... well... a good friend... If he considered Zell a friend.  
In truth, if he didn't consider Zell a friend, there was no one he could call one.  
Squall fingered the crumpled paper in his pocket, shoving those thoughts aside for one that pressed more heavily upon him at the moment. If he had told Rinoa he was on vacation, then he damn well better go on vacation, or she would find a way to make him pay. And it wouldn't be pleasant.  
So... That left the question of where he would go. What he would do.  
And at the moment, Squall was drawing a complete blank. A feeling he couldn't profess to be comfortable with.  
He watched the floor as he walked along, pondering his situation, seriously considering spending all eight weeks in the training center. At least he would get something useful out of the time, and maybe Shiva would finally figure out how to boost her magic damage even further-  
Hyaah-! Hey, sorry, man, wasn't watchin' where I was goin'- oh. Hey, Squall!   
He lifted his eyes from the floor to meet the sheepish grin of Zell Dincht, scowling darkly. he returned, taking a quick step back.  
Hey, I said I was sorry! Zell frowned at him briefly, then shrugged it off. Headin' for lunch? That's where I was goin', and I thought maybe there'd be some hot dogs left if I hurried-  
Where do you go when you have time off? Squall interrupted, knowing the rest of the hot dog speech by heart. Zell was used to his lack of manners by now, so he didn't even pretend to be sorry for cutting him off.  
Zell blinked, mouth moving silently as he readjusted to being cut off in midsentence. Then he took some time to think, bouncing on the balls of his feet in absentminded pondering. Squall cocked his head, waiting impatiently. One could never say that Zell didn't think about things, but it was true that the first thing that came to his mind would come out his mouth. Sometimes he was just more lucky than others.  
I usually go home t' see Ma, he said earnestly. Why, you got a week off?  
...Two months... Squall frowned slightly. Of course Zell would go to see his mother... The people in Balamb loved him so much, he would have no reason to want to go anywhere else. Come to think of it... Most SeeDs probably went to visit either family or friends in their hometowns...   
That didn't help him any. Of course, he could go to Esthar, but any time he went to visit his father it turned into a big production and Laguna insisted on going on some absurd family trip. It didn't seem to matter that Ellone could never go and Kiros and Ward weren't technically related to them. He didn't question his father's relationship with Kiros, and Laguna didn't get involved in his own relationship problems. It was fair.  
It still didn't make sense that Ward always went.   
Two months, wow... Zell considered him with those bright cerulean eyes. Imagine the trip Laguna could put together in two months!  
The mischief in his voice was poorly hidden, and Squall scowled at him half-heartedly. That's exactly why I'm looking for somewhere else to go... he informed calmly.   
Zell grinned suddenly, and Squall raised an eyebrow, nearly fearing what was to come. Hey, I got my vacation overdue! Maybe... Maybe I could get the last one they made me miss, an' a few ahead, and we could- He coughed, then fell into the familiar shadow-boxing, turning around in a lazy circle and avoiding his eyes. We could... I dunno, we could do somethin'.  
Squall watched him silently, the words that trailed off into more embarassed coughing striking a chord somewhere inside him, something he couldn't put a name to... Something strangely warm.  
Something... nice...  
I'd like that, he said abruptly, startling himself as much as he surprised Zell. The blond spun on one heel, peering up at him with large eyes.  
he gaped, the smile that fought to form on his lips already shining in his eyes.  
Squall scratched at the back of his neck, already wondering why the Hell he had said that. Spending two months alone with Zell... was he that desperate for something to do...?  
A strong arm flung about his shoulders, and the martial artist's formidable strength was squeezing him into a bear hug before he had a second to back up. Awright, then! Zell cheered. We're goin' on a road trip, BABY!  



	2. Maybe You Should Drive

***  
(Disclaimer) Sorry about the formatting, for the reviewer who mentioned it, but I can't do anything about it. My computer is cranky and decides to format it that way no matter what I do. I have a Mac... *cries*  
***  
The room was pitch black and silent, but for the soft squeak of the mattress as he shifted. It was just the way he liked it... Quiet. Solitary. Nothing out of the ordinary to interrupt. Just knowing he was utterly alone in this tiny space, feeling the walls stretch out around him, the emptiness growing...  
Growing, shifting...  
Squall mumbled incoherently in annoyance and rolled onto his stomach, burying his face in the thin pillow. It was always trouble when he thought too much... It was better just to ignore the gnawing hole that insisted it was present in his chest and sleep. Just... sleep.  
His reflexes screamed at him to wake the instant before the door creaked open, sending golden light pouring into the utter blackness. His eyes flashed open, the tired battle instinct cultivated during long months of SeeD training and those agonizing nights on the road springing again to deadly life. The moment his socked feet touched the cool floor, his fingers were closing on the colder handle of his gunblade, his senses focused on rousing Shiva within his mind. He had been so long used to this... his adrenaline didn't even pump anymore at a disturbance. It was all cool, trained reaction.  
Sometimes he still missed that, though...  
Squall shoved that thought from his mind, falling easily into his favored battle stance as the intruder paused to-  
Switch on the lights...  
Zell blinked at him from the door, a duffel bag slung easily over one shoulder, the strap dragging the sleeve of his t-shirt up to expose his muscled arm, eyes large in startled surprise. Squall froze just before swinging the gunblade in an arc that would surely have been deadly, skidding over the floor a few inches before he got his momentum under control.  
he asked dumbly, letting the weapon fall to lean on his desk.  
The surprise lasted only a few more seconds, then the blond SeeD doubled over in raucous laughter, his entire form fairly quivering with mirth. Squall scowled down at the back of his head, then took up the blade again and smacked him with the hilt.  
Ow, hey! Zell jumped back up, frowning reproachfully at him and rubbing at his skull. I- I just- He chuckled again, bright eyes twinkling merrily. Ya just looked... I dunno, standin' there all ready t' rumble in your socks and boxers and that shirt... Damn, Squall, where did you get that thing? It doesn't fitcha at all.  
Squall tugged at one sleeve almost self-consciously, glaring at the floor. He knew the shirt was too big for him, and he'd known that when he'd bought it in Dollet, but it was comfortable... and he'd not expected other people to be seeing him in it. he grumbled, refusing to look at him. Why are you here so early, anyway?  
At that, Zell began to bounce on his heels, nearly impatiently. 'Cause I think we should leave t'day! And any good trip starts early, so I thought I'd come getcha, figurin' you'd be up doin'... Well, whatever the Hell it is you're doin' when you're alone, considering you won't tell anybody. So get packed, baby! Let's GO!  
Squall eyed him, then sighed heavily and placed the gunblade back in its case. He had gotten himself into this... on his own accord... So he really couldn't blame anyone but himself.  
Want me t' pack for ya? S not like you seem t' care about being fashionable or anything... And you need t' get dressed anyway, unless you wanna go like that. If ya are, I'm driving, cause socks don't really have the best traction, and please don't ask me how I know that...  
Squall let him ramble on for a few minutes, carefully packing together his weaponry and necessary supplies. One never knew when a monster or any enemy would strike, and it would be foolish for a SeeD to be caught unprepared... But he eventually lifted his head and cleared his throat. At the soft sound, Zell obediently fell silent and still where he was rifling through Squall's drawers.  
Go rent a car, he said calmly. I'll pack and get ready. We can meet in the parking lot in ten minutes.  
Sounds like a plan! Zell nodded with a warm smile, then took a quick step over to his side. Squall blinked up at him wordlessly, rather accustomed to Zell making comments on his orders, but still reasonable wary of his opinion. HIs judgement wasn't always the best, and though he knew that full well, he was always crushed when his ideas were turned down.  
However, any expectations he might have had were dashed when one gloved hand settled onto the top of his head, fingers that were calloused from so many battles gently mussing up his hair. Squall stared up at him, speechless, frozen where he was crouched by his desk, as Zell grinned down into his eyes with no small measure of obvious affection.  
I didn't mean t' make fun of you, he informed solemnly. You look cute.  
With those simple words, Zell patted him on the top of the head and was gone through the door before Squall could blink again. Once he was able, he did so profusely, then shook his head and coughed.  
he whispered aloud, disbelieving.   
That wasn't something he had been called in any seriousness for... for a long time, since he was less than three feet tall and still lisping. In fact, the last time anyone had commented on his appearance to his face had been his second visit to Esthar. You are a damn pretty boy, aintcha?' his father had observed with no lack of pride. He'd said nothing in response, merely hauling out the time-tested withering look and letting Kiros scold him instead.   
But... for Zell to... to call him... cute...?  
Squall shook his head again and pulled his drawers open, letting his bafflement evaporate into a frenzy of packing and dressing. He had no idea where they were going to end up... so it would be prudent to pack clothing that would be useful in any climate, as well as for either end of the spectrum. And his savings, in case they had a monetary emergency, which was almost guaranteed if Zell started betting on card games again. It had been fine when he'd been betting on his own, but when he had started betting on Squall's games, things had gotten rather bad.   
He had never professed to be any good at cards. Everyone just seemed to assume he was.  
It took a rather short length of time for his preparations to be devastatingly complete, and Squall took one last glance around his allotted room. Would he need the magazines...? No, of course not. What was he going to do with ancient issues of the Timber Maniacs battle series when he was supposed to be on vacation?  
What did he do with those anyway...?   
He considered that for a moment, then heaved a vexed sigh and kicked the door shut behind him. The Headmaster was probably just trying to drive him mad with this vacation... For his sick amusement. Watching a cool and collected SeeD transform into a raving lunatic in eight short weeks. Irvine would sell tickets. And Selphie would advertise.  
And people wondered why he was so bitter.  
Squall shouldered his bulging luggage and took the stairs two at a time, impatient for reasons he couldn't quite explain. It wasn't as though he was anxious to leave... Perhaps it was just the need to be going somewhere, doing something, having a purpose in waking up in the morning.  
Things didn't feel quite so empty that way.  
The water gurgled beneath his feet as he left the dormitory area, the plants that someone so painstakingly cared for lining the walkway. It was there he could always be sure to find Raijin, scouring the leaves for strange insects... And Fujin, there to kick him severely. And Seifer, always somewhere behind, blustering and intimidating whoever would pass.  
And of course, where one found Seifer, one would find legions of fangirls. And Irvine. He had yet to figure out if Irvine was attempting to steal the girls from Seifer, or perhaps trying to steal Seifer from the girls. He wouldn't put the horrible taste in men past the .  
And where Irvine was, Selphie would be tagging along, bright and bursting with her limitless ideas and trying to recruit hapless passerby for the Garden Festival Committee. Quistis would be somewhere nearby, of course, keeping Selphie in line. And Rinoa would be walking along with them and letting the smaller children pet Angelo. And Zell would be...  
In all reality, Zell would be wherever he was.  
The thought almost brought the glimmer of a smile to his thin lips, but Squall bit it back by reflex. He wasn't sure exactly why that realization warmed him so. Zell was loud, and intrusive, and... well...  
No matter what he was, he liked Zell.   
And that thought was perhaps the most disturbing of the lot. He'd schooled himself all along in the dangers of caring about other people, of letting other people get involved in his life, of getting involved in the lives of others. It did nothing but bring pain to him when they left, and they would... They always left, no matter the reason. Always.  
And that scared him so much... it always had, the thought of losing any of them. He worried for them, and agonized over their well-being, as much as he didn't want to.  
That day, in the desert prison... the familiar sounds of gunshots, heels clattering over steel flooring... He'd run as fast as he could, with Selphie and Quistis, heart pounding, so sure he would never get to Zell in time, that he would see him struck down from so many floors above and never be able to-  
He didn't even know what the rest of that thought was. It had been then that he had seen the warden strike him, and it had been then that he'd jumped the railing.  
Hey, that was fast!  
The voice startled him out of his reverie, and Squall glanced up to find himself entering the parking lot. His automatic pilot must have taken over again... it was really a wonder he hadn't ended up at the training center like he usually did.  
Do you have a car ready? he inquired, letting his gaze take in Zell's figure where he leaned against the wall. His stomach was still churning in that remembered terror, and he forced himself to speak clearly and steadily, lest that disturbance be revealed. He always got far too involved in recollection...  
the blond said proudly, striking his fists together in a familiar gesture of triumph. Can I drive?  
Squall's only response was a silent stare, but his companion evidently got the message, as he pouted and opened the passenger door.  
He took a step forward, then winced as his right knee began to throb. Dr. Kadowaki had warned that the bruising was bad... He'd twisted the joint pretty badly during a frantic escape from a T-Rexaur in the training center, and apparently it hadn't quite healed yet. Squall grimaced, already beginning to smart from the coming wound to his pride.  
he muttered begrudgingly.  
He felt those bright eyes focus on him, and he cast his gaze to the floor, coughing.  
Maybe... Maybe you should drive.


	3. I Want It That Way

***  
(Random Observation) Titling chapters is HARD.  
And yes, before everyone says anything, I am a dork. I listen to the Backstreet Boys. And N* SYNC. And yet I have six Metallica CDs. Explain this to me, someone!  
***  
  
The scenery flashed by his windows fast enough to cause the beginnings of a headache, but Squall stomached Zell's dubious driving skill without a word. Any commenting would bring incessant complaints about back-seat driving... Or, at least he suspected it would. He'd never actually let Zell drive...  
But he wasn't surprised with the result.  
Get OUTTA TH' ROAD- ah, dammit. The blond jammed on the brakes hard enough to make the tires screech. Squall winced, bracing himself a bit too late. His knees banged into the dashboard, and he inhaled sharply, eyes watering.  
Zell offered apologetically.   
Squall nodded with some annoyance, preparing to let that go by without further rebuke, until his mind caught up fully with the comment. he snapped incredulously. Where the Hell are we, Zell?  
Zell winked at him conspiratorially. Obviously, we're someplace that has penguins, baby.  
Squall stared at him in utter disbelief. His hapless companion grinned and gunned the engine again. I'm tryin' t' think of somewhere we can go, he explained somewhat sheepishly. And ya gotta admit, you haven't been much help.  
I thought you had a plan, he said curtly, lifting his chin aloofly and staring out the window. Now that he noticed, there was a slight dusting of snow over the grass. Where were they...?  
Hey, you're the one with the plans, Zell shrugged.  
This was your idea! Squall snapped, hands clenching into quivering fists where they rested on his upper thighs. Zell could be so infuriating sometimes...! Sometimes it was impossible to remember why he even liked him at all-  
But Zell was silent, instead of whining and fighting back like anybody else would, simply sliding lower in the seat and staring at the wheel, a shadow falling over his face. Yeah, I know, he said more quietly.  
Squall blinked at him, then sighed softly. This was the difference. Where Irvine would whine, or Selphie would continue to argue, or Quistis would tease him, or Rinoa would accuse him of being heartless and uncaring... Zell just... backed off. Pulled back. He would go from bright and cheerful to dark and silent at a harsh word, appeasing his perceived anger however he could, always avoiding anything that could possibly lead to a confrontation between them... and it seemed so unlike him to do so. Zell was never one to back away from a fight, especially when it was over something he believed in.  
He should just leave it be.   
But...  
Squall winced, then sighed again. Zell... I'm sorry, he managed quietly. I know you're just trying to help.  
Bright blue eyes found his, and Squall cocked his head. Zell watched him cautiously for a moment, then grinned and slammed onto the gas.   
I'll find us somewhere t' go! he announced cherrily.  
Squall grabbed onto the seat by reflex, and was grateful he had done so when the car took the next turn on what seemed like less than two wheels. Zell fumbled absently with the radio, steering with one knee and three fingers, whistling all the while.  
It was truly amazing... He always reacted like that. Zell drew back into that darkness whenever Squall was too sharp with him, then bounded back like nothing had happened at the first indication that he wasn't mad anymore. He was like a puppy, sometimes, in demeanor as well as energy level.  
He didn't understand it... not at all. Zell seemed as transparent as a window sometimes, and yet... in that one sense, the look in his eyes sometimes... He didn't understand it. And it bothered him to no end that he didn't understand it. He... he wanted to understand Zell.  
Because he had the eerie feeling Zell understood him.   
All too well.  
There had been a time he had hated that. He had hated the mere thought that someone had made it far enough inside his boundaries to understand things he couldn't make sense of himself. That someone could burrow so deep into his heart that he would risk his life and happiness for them.  
He cared about Zell. And it would be one thing to have a secret fondness for him and have it be just that- secret. But unlike those who professed to know his heart and were secure in his friendship... Zell... Zell took nothing for granted where he was concerned. If he told Zell he hated him and never wanted to see him again, he wouldn't argue. He might believe differently, but... for some reason... He would accept it. Where anyone else would protest, he would simply hang his head and walk away.  
And that would be it.  
And he couldn't bring himself to take that chance.  
But one day... one day, he was going to figure him out. If it took the rest of his life, he would figure out Zell Dincht.   
Zell's voice broke into his thoughts, and Squall started up from leaning against the cool window. How about we head over to Winhill? We could take that ferry we found a while ago, that should take us right over there.  
Why Winhill? he inquired, stomach twisting a little. Winhill... where he had been born... Where he had seen the ghost of the woman who was his mother...  
I dunno, it's pretty there. And quiet, and I know you like quiet places. Sides, there were some old houses that no one lived in anymore... His voice softened, turning more considering, almost hesitant. And... you said you didn't have anywhere t' go, and I was thinking... maybe we could get a house. In Winhill, y'know... and then use it on vacations, just to get away for a while.  
Just the two of us...? Squall whispered, lips fighting to twist into a smile. The way he had said it... the quiet longing in his suddenly-serious voice, the sparkle in his deep blue eyes, the twitching of his fingers on the steering wheel...  
Zell jumped, then to his astonishment, his cheeks darkened slightly, and he coughed. Oh, uh... heh... Sorry, that was stupid. I meant, um... I meant, just a place for you... y'know, t' go to when you have vacation...  
The urge was irresistable, and Squall nearly smiled again.  
No, you didn't. That's not what you meant.   
It is TOO! Zell protested, squirming in his seat. C'mon, gimme a break. You wanna go look for a place or not?  
Squall rubbed at his temples, considering. It would be something to do... and though his heart was fluttering in his chest for reasons he couldn't explain, reasons he attributed to fear of returning to his birthplace again. Why not? he muttered, then settled back into his seat. Do you remember where the ferry landing is?  
I think so... Zell grinned at him, then spun the volume dial up on the radio until the doors vibrated with the bass. Squall winced. His choice of station wasn't really one he would agree with, but he staunchly refused to complain. Besides, Zell seemed to be having fun...  
AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HEARTACHE- TELL ME WHYYYYY... the blond was belting out, voice surprisingly good. I NEVER WANNA HEAR YOU SAY...  
Squall sighed and looked out the window again. He had gotten himself into this of his own free will... so he had no one to blame.   
And God help him if he actually started to enjoy this...  
I WANT IT THAT WAY!!!  
Squall covered his face with one hand. There was no doubt in his mind that this was how Zell wanted things...   
But he didn't want things this way... he didn't. He couldn't. Not two months in a house, just the two of them... Seeing Zell every day... seeing his smiling face every morning at breakfast, knowing that he would always be there. He would always be there... always dependable, always there with a smile and a joke and a reassuring pat or hug when he refused to admit he needed it...  
He took a glance at his companion, fought back yet another smile, then sighed heavily. This was so unlike him... so unlike everything he had tried so hard to be...  
But something was beginning to tell him he did want things this way.


	4. I'll Be Your Light

  
***  
(Quick warning) I mentioned this in the summary, but in case I confused anyone, this is Zell x Squall. I don't know if that bothers anyone at all, but I know I'd read... let's see, a Ken x Aya Weiss Kruez fic if I had to pay the author in my own lifeblood first, but I'd read a badly-written Bible orgy fic before I'd read Aya x Ken. Some people just feel really strongly about their positioning in pairings. Not that I'm trying to scare off readers or anything... ^^; I just don't want to disappoint anybody.  
WARNING- MAD SYMBOLISM AHEAD!  
***  
  
The sunlight glittered off the ocean spray that danced in the wind, nearly blinding him as he gazed into the distance, searching for the dark shape of the ferry. It must have just left when they had arrived... It must have been a half hour they'd been waiting by now.  
Squall leaned against the rotting signpost, sighing heavily. It frustrated him to wait... It always had. Even as a child, the minute he had to be patient, his fingers would start twitching, he would struggle for something to do, anything to do... To be doing absolutely nothing seemed like such a waste of time. So he slept, or he trained, or he went to the library and read. At least it was moderately useful.  
But here... there was nothing to do. He didn't even have to be on guard, there hadn't been roving monsters here since probably before the dawn of time.   
So he merely stared into the distance, listening to the rhythmic swishing of Zell's fists through the air as he boxed in place, the soft exhalations of exertion that began to huff from his throat as he went on in his practicing... The concentration that twisted his brow, his lips moving silently in some form of keeping time with himself, the slow trickle of sweat down his temple and cheek, muscles flexing in his calves as he bounced off the unyielding, hard-packed dirt, the few blades of grass he hadn't pounded down in his motion trailing over the sides of his ratty sneakers... Strong shoulders raised in the defensive posture he knew so well by now, arms exploding forward into the minimal resistance of the air with such force...  
Squall realized how raptly he had been watching the blond only after Zell had noticed his attention and frozen in place, turning to face him with a sheepish grin, gloved hand scratching at the back of his head in embarassment. he explained, obviously embarassed.   
He blinked, then shook his head silently. No, it's fine, he said quietly. I was just... I was just thinking, that's all.  
Zell cocked his head, bright eyes focusing on his for an unnervingly long time. Squall shifted restlessly, nervously, then abruptly broke his gaze, shoving his gloved hands into jacket pockets and stalking over the the waterside. The waves lapped at his boots playfully, and he drew back with an unconscious shiver, scuffing his heels over the rough sand.   
He didn't know just why the sudden sight of him like that had been so surprising. He'd seen Zell train like that nearly every day for so long now... He nearly knew the motions by heart. But... he'd never taken the time to really watch... There had always been more important things to do. Battles to fight, orders to give. Missions to complete.  
And how many times had he fought beside Zell...? So many skirmishes, so many times, so many different places, and yet he'd never really noticed... He'd never really seen how Irvine aimed his rifle. He'd never really seen Zell's punches and drop kicks land.  
He'd never noticed... he'd never noticed that he closed his eyes right before he punched. He'd never noticed how he rocked back on his heels right after his feet touched the ground again. He'd never noticed the smoothness of his motions, the deadly grace of a martial artist...  
He'd never really noticed anything.  
Squall firmly ignored the guilt that gnawed at him, the uncomfortable lump in his throat, the awful feeling that he had done something not repairable. Or at least he tried... He clenched his fingers into tight fists in his pockets, every muscle in his body tensing painfully, shoulders rising stiffly, eyes staring deep into the little waves, the murky depths of the ocean.   
Damn this vacation. He never would have thought about this. Never, not on his own, not when he had things to do and missions to occupy his mind, and no prompting for the sick loneliness to eat away at him, heart cold in his thin breast, uncaring and unknowing, never missing... Never missing...  
Hey, Squall? The warm voice was soft, concerned, and Squall kicked viciously at the sand. Damn him, of course he would notice. Of course he would, he always noticed everything. Everything, dammit! Where he could so acutely feel his separation from everything around him, the emptiness surrounding him, the cold void of refusing to depend on anyone, refusing to let anyone depend on him, refusing to let anyone do anything at all for him... Zell... Zell wasn't like him. Zell touched people. He let himself get involved, he was a part of everything, and somehow he did it without getting hurt-! It wasn't fair, it just wasn't fair, and he hated him for it. He hated him because he couldn't help but let him in. He hated him because he liked him so much. He was always there, and he wanted him to be there, and he wanted to let him inside his walls and let him close and not be hurt, have everything everyone else did and not be hurt by it like he had always been before...  
When he didn't answer, Squall felt hands settle onto his shoulders. He flinched, but... for the ache that gnawed at him, to satisfy it, if only once... he didn't draw away.  
Squall... hey, what's wrong, baby? Zell pulled him around to face him, the eyes that focused on him as warm and affectionate as his voice was. The slight ledge of grass that dropped off just above the small shoreline had elevated the blond a few inches, and for only the second time, Squall found himself blinking up at Zell. The first time, of course, he had just been tortured into unconsciousness... so this was certainly a new perspective.  
The noon sun nearly haloed him, setting his golden hair afire and shading his face to the point the black tatoo was nearly invisible. The light had the effect of rendering his expression invisible, and Squall almost squinted, desperate to see the look in his eyes, frantic to see how he was looking at him, wanting so badly to understand...  
But to understand just what, he wasn't certain.  
Squall trailed off, at a lack as to how to explain his demeanor. He wasn't even sure what was wrong, let alone how to explain it... So he merely peered up at him, nearly plaintive, shadowed by the radiant light that surrounded him, feeling the cold that much more. The wind picked up by the waterside, and he shivered, ducking his head into the top of his jacket. It helped only for a short time, but the rushing breeze made its invasive way beneath the fibers of his clothing, prickling at his skin, chilling him to the bone.   
And then, almost blindly, he took a step forward, lifting his face and pressing his forehead into the fabric of Zell's shirt, the fabric warmed by the sun that shone on him. The hands were still resting on his shoulders tightened, in reflex, in surprise, but not unkindly, not painfully... and then moved to pull him close.  
With a soft rustle of moving grass, the gentle tumbling of earth from the shelf above, Zell slid down to the shore beside him, arms tightening firmly around his back. Squall started, but meekly allowed the blond to tug him into a strong embrace.  
But it's colder down here...? he managed to whisper, reflexively nuzzling into his heat, heart fluttering wildly. It didn't make any sense that Zell would come down to the chill, to the shadow he had stood in for what seemed like forever... not when he had the bright, grassy knoll all to himself-!  
It'll be warmer if you let the sun down here with you, Zell said softly, one gloved hand petting his hair with a fond gentleness. 'Sides, I don't wanna be warm if you're cold. We can share this way. Might even be warmer.  
Squall said nothing, something in the back of his mind scrabbling desperately for the meaning that sang behind all this. And yet, all he did was lean against Zell's strong shoulder, closing his eyes.  
And they stood in the sun together.


	5. Taking A Step Closer

  
***  
I rated this as R because I planned on a lemon towards the end... does that sound good to my loyal reviewers? Or should I make it worthy of a NC-17? ^_^ I aim to please...  
***  
  
Hey, Squall.  
He looked away from the window, peering up into the earnest face that had focused on his so raptly. Zell sat next to him on the bench, feet tapping absently on the gray flooring, gloved hands resting against his knees and twitching as though they were frustrated at their lack of activity. he asked patiently, wondering why Zell always needed a prompt to continue in whatever his thought was.  
The blond looked down at his hands, sighed, shifted position, then sighed again. Squall waited in building frustration, then finally clapped a hand onto his shoulder and spun the fidgeting SeeD to face him.   
he asked more forcefully.  
I wanna ask you somethin'... Those cerulean eyes avoided his, the shining in them that he was so used to strangely uncertain now. It's kinda a personal thing though... An' I know you don't like people prying.  
Squall cocked his head, eyes narrowing slightly as he considered the young man who sat next to him. He shifted uncomfortably about every three seconds, heels bouncing against the floor in motion spurred more by nervousness than boredom. It seemed strange, on the surface, for Zell to be so hesitant about a mere question. And it was true that he never would be with anyone else. But in the same fashion that he refused to argue with Squall, he wouldn't intrude into his private affairs the way everyone else would.   
And he still hadn't figured out why.  
...Go ahead, he prodded quietly, oddly curious about what Zell wanted to know so much he would risk Squall's supposed wrath. I'll try and answer the best I can.  
Zell smiled weakly, then nodded. Awright. You remember... when Rinoa wanted that ring you have?  
Squall twitched in remembered annoyance, scowling darkly at the floor. Yeah, I remember, he muttered, jaw setting in a hard line. He still couldn't smother the anger that memory brought up. She had gone behind his back to get hold of one if his most treasured possessions... and all in the most wonderful of intentions. Or at least he thought so... It was hard to tell if she was being malicious on purpose, or if she truly had what she believed were their best interests at heart. It was what frustrated him the most about her.  
...Pretty much, what frustrated him the most.  
He was brought back to the moment by Zell's soft voice, the tone deeper and more serious than he could ever recall hearing it... a thought that stirred something strange deep inside his chest. Why did you give it to me? he asked simply. Why would you give it to me so freely and get so pissed when you found out she had it?  
It was such a simple question.  
Squall stared at him wordlessly for so long that his eyes began to ache from not blinking. Zell didn't break his gaze, eyes narrow and glittering with a curious urgency that made his mouth so uncomfortably dry, his heart racing nearly painfully.  
I... I... No words would come, and drawing a blank on what he could possibly say, Squall shook his head and fell silent. Why had he... why had he felt so comfortable handing Griever into Zell's hand when the mere thought of Rinoa in possession of it made his blood boil? There was the simple point that he like Zell a lot more, for so may reasons he couldn't possibly list them, but mostly because he really seemed to care as deeply as anyone could, instead of... of... Oh, he didn't know.  
And there was that warm concern again, the gentleness that stirred so much unwelcome flutterings in his heart, choking his breathing in some of the most unhealthy ways and generally just unsettling a manner that was so well practiced that it would take nothing short of drugs to change it. Or so he had believed.  
I don't know, he snapped, more harshly than he had intended. Because you asked. Because I like you better. Because I think you might actually care about me even after knowing me better than anybody else. I don't know why!  
Zell was silent, and inside he winced, knowing it was only moments before that silent darkness clouded his eyes again. He had to be careful what he said... It was strange that he cared enough to actually worry about how his actions affected Zell's feelings.   
But he did. And he supposed it didn't matter just why... He could analyze himself for hours and never understand why. It was useless to question things like that. It was pretty useless to question anything, anymore...  
  
His head snapped up at the wondering tone in his companion's voice, startled and more than a little relieved. Zell was staring down at him, eyes large and shimmering with nearly enough light to abate the darkness of the secluded passenger compartment they sat in alone. It was such a strange look... almost smiling, almost on the verge of tears...   
he returned quizzically, watching him cautiously. Why would he lie about something like that? And furthermore... why was he surprised?  
Zell's eys sparkled, and his fingers twisted together where they rested uncomfortably in his lap. Y'know... I was just gonna make a copy of it for her. She asked me to, and I didn't know if you'd mind or not... and besides, everybody was plotting to get you two together and... agh, I dunno. I figured, if it made you happy, who was I to question...?  
But it didn't, Squall said quietly, sharply, narrowed eyes casing the expression on his companion's face. The words were simple enough, but the meaning behind them enough to choke even the speaker. It hadn't made him happy... Everyone had believed it would, and even he had been confused enough to think, was he in love with her...?   
But time had proven that painfully wrong, as he had suspected it would.  
No, it didn't, Zell repeated softly. The hands that were tangled together on his knees unwound themselves, fingers shaking visibly where they protruded from the black leather gloves that protected him in battle. Squall kept silent, unsure of the sudden seriousness that pervaded the space between them, more than a little frightened of the sudden pounding in his chest, the look in Zell's brightening eyes, the hesitancy he'd never seen there before...  
Um... I'm gonna go get some food from the cabin... Want anything? Zell asked hurriedly, one hand scratching at the back of his neck. Squall started, then nodded shakily, trying to breathe normally and lacking any air for reasons he coudn't identify.  
he responded, knowing that Zell would buy him something no matter what he said. He had always been like that, giving of himself in both the silliest little ways and the most tremendous ways... and yet, he still refused to let them see his room in Balamb unless they were under the most dire of circumstances. He was quirky... he was Zell. And they couldn't do anything about that.  
Even if they wanted to.  
Zell stood up from the bench they had occupied since the beginning of the ferry ride, bounced on his heels for an inordinate amount of time, then blinked down at him again, eyebrows raised as if in delicate consideration.  
Squall looked up at him, trying vainly to restrain annoyance. He had the nasty feeling that Zell had not been quite forthcoming with him lately, especially during this pathetic excuse for a converstation, and it was beginnning to eat at him. It wasn't like Zell to hide things from him. It wasn't like him to be afraid of what anyone thou-  
He froze as Zell's lips touched his, the kiss rough and clumsy, but... almost tender... Warm and gentle, the same as his touch had always been, and yet... somehow stronger, firmer, demanding nothing and yet taking everything, taking everything because he allowed him to do so... He shivered as one hand rested on his shoulder, as though balancing the blond where he stood, fingers squeezing lightly and rubbing at his upper back in agonizing affection. Squall did nothing but sit dumbly, lips trembling against Zell's, aching in uncertain and guilty pleasure, able to do nothing but submit without a word.  
Then one finger smoothed lightly over his cheek, and Zell pulled away, blue eyes sparkling in both uncertainty and a shy amount of happiness... happiness that he hadn't pulled away...? Or resisted...? Or done anything to even indicate he wanted him to stop...?  
Had he...?  
I'll be back with the snacks then, the blond said hurriedly, and then was gone down the stairs to the cabin.  
Squall didn't even try to stop him, chin shaking, heart fluttering, gloved hand reaching up to touch his lips in wonder as he stared blindly at the far wall.  
What... what had just happened...?  
And why hadn't he stopped it?


	6. Drowning

  
***  
Thanks for all the lovely reviews~~! *squirms* Every author needs the encouragement, as you well know, and it's what keeps me writing. I'm surprised that everyone likes it so much... It's a storyline that felt pretty in my head, and it's seeming to come out decently in HTML, too. Squall is a cranky monkey, as we all know, but... *shivers* Zell is starting to develop angst in my head. And that doesn't seem to be a healthy thing. I don't think that boy needs to be angsting as much as he does.  
But thanks for the comments! I will strive to meet your expectations!  
(Random in-joke) By the way, I named Rinoa in my play-through (I already mentioned I don't like her, right?). Thus, one line at the beginning of this chapter takes on a whole new meaning. ^_^  
***  
  
Zell had kissed him.  
He had just leaned down and kissed him, then walked away.  
And he hadn't said a word about it.  
Squall followed his companion off the rickety ferry, clutching his luggage in one hand and gunblade case in the other. Zell hadn't said a thing about it, merely handed him the chocolate bar he had bought for him and sat. Silently. Without a single apology or even an admission of what had passed between them. And that was as worrying as it was infuriating. The shivering pounding that his heart had flown into at that moment had only worsened when he had come back. And now... now he could feel his hands shaking, his breathing labored...   
How had a quiet gesture of affection shaken him so badly when staring death in the face never had?  
His heels clunked over the old dock, and Squall abruptly sat his baggage down on the grass, caring for it no longer. He could see Winhill in the distance, their ultimate destination, and... somehow, he was wary of stepping further than the bluffs until he knew exactly what had just happened. And why.  
And maybe make him explain why his touch had felt so damn good.  
  
The blond froze at the tone of his voice, falling back on his heels where he was a few yards ahead of him. Squall stood firmly, hands clenched into quivering fists, jaw clenched so it wouldn't waver. Zell was motionless for a long moment, then his shoulders slumped and he turned back to face him.  
The despair in his cerulean eyes was heartbreaking, the pain he struggled to hide so naked in his face that Squall found himself aching somewhere deep inside... aching for the sad assurance of rejection that shuddered behind his eyes. The fear that trembled in his lips. The shattered hope that he swallowed back, too proud to let the tears show.  
His voice shook, and Squall winced. Squall, I-I- look, I'm sorry, I-  
Don't you dare apologize!  
He was surprised at the emotion that broke in his voice, the sudden fire that ripped through his chest, leaving nothing but the purest agony and the sweetest ecstasy in its wake. Something had broken, something... something had shattered, and it drowned him, sweeping away the crumbling walls he'd erected around him for so long, because he cared, he already cared, and he couldn't stop that. He couldn't pretend that he could protect himself from pain by withholding feeling when it had free reign over him and always had. No matter what he had wanted... he already liked him.  
And Zell liked him too. More than he'd... more than he'd expected. More than he'd hoped for. Everything he had ever hoped for and more. And if Zell took that back- If Zell took that back...  
If Zell took that kiss back, he didn't know what he'd do.  
Why did you do that? he snapped harshly, feeling the power of that fear and knowledge run away with him, burning somewhere inside him and not letting him stop, not until he'd heard the truth and been able to understand it. If Zell took it back... then he wanted to know why he did. And if he didn't... then...  
Zell's eyes met his, and the pain there was undescribable. He quivered with both the agony of that sadness and... and something that built there, something that burned as badly as the power that writhed beneath Squall's breastbone, something that scalded him with its force...   
Because- because I- The words fell over one another, and his hands fisted and released almost compulsively, Zell's eyes unable to leave his. Dammit, Squall, I-  
Don't pretend you're sorry, he hissed, heart racing faster and faster with every passing moment. You're not sorry, and I don't want you to be sorry, because if you're sorry, then you didn't mean it in the first place. Tell me why, dammit. Why are you like this? Why have you always been like this? Why...?  
Zell was silent for a long time, as though warring within himself, that silent darkness battling the fires that were fanning deep within his bright eyes, lips twitching. Squall stared at him, reeling at the heat that was still burning him, the feeling of losing air by every second, drowning, drowning in what was sweeping over him and unable to pull back, unable because that would destroy everything he'd longed for in the past years, wanting so badly to have someone close to him and not trusting anyone enough to not hurt him... The fire that was overtaking the ice he had known so well, as though Zell's Ifrit were battling the Shiva who lived deep within his mind, as though that barrier of ice he'd built around him was steaming away and choking him... What was this...?  
I love you, Squall, Zell finally returned, his voice a fierce murmur, blue eyes flashing with the incredible emotion that made his tone so rough, so husky and hoarse, so strangely thrilling and frightening all at the same time. That's why... I love you.  
The fire burned behind his eyes, and Squall merely mouthed a pathetic , unable to find the breath to articulate the plea... drowning... losing control of everything and struggling to live, struggling to find his head and his heart and separate them before something terrible happened to him, to them both...  
And when Zell touched his shoulder, he found himself crumpled into his embrace, shaking in his giving arms, eyes squeezed closed, gulping for air... Fighting for control... Having lost everything, and yet found everything, lost and drowning in the very air that kept him living, the gentleness that both killed him and kept him alive, weak where he had struggled so desperately to be strong, and yet... so sure that he could take on anything...   
Something he had known all along still could surprise him so much.  
  
***  
(Author's note because this chapter is inexplicably short) You're gonna see this in this fic, and in all my others if you read them... There's a lot of crying. I will admit this. It's probably because I, as the author, cry at the drop of a hat. And also, if Squall seems a little out-of-character, I apologize. This is the Squall I see when playing the game, and he may differ from yours. I'm not deliberately writing him this way. The Squall who lives in my head dictates how things happen.  
Yes, I know the imagery in this chapter is a little cliche. Blame the music I was listening to. It's not my fault, really... ^^;  
Hey, anybody interested in Quistis/Selphie fics?  
***


	7. Together

  
***  
Well, the shounen-ai may be developing into full yaoi soon... *evil smirk*  
And, ladies and gentlemen, I HAVE FINISHED THE GAME! And yes, this chapter will be the only nod to canon in this fic. I promise. And if anyone is interested in further extension of the Sorceress's Knight theory, just let me know and I'll actually write the fic I was considering. Seifer will be in it, if that's a selling point. As will Laguna.  
Oh, and sorry this chapter took so long... I hit writer's block... and for anyone who's reading my RK fics, I'm horribly sorry. Those are harder to write for me at the moment.  
***  
  
The wind blew through the trees, leaves rustling in a quiet song that lent nothing but peace to the little town. It was something that had felt familiar to him every time he had come here, even in those dreams before he had any suspiscion why. He'd been born here... he'd even seen the crib he must have lived in until he could walk, a ratty old teddy bear with ears tattered as though it had been gnawed at by baby gums where teeth were just beginning to break through...  
Squall shouldered his luggage, gaze cast to the ground. Winhill. Where Raine had lived, where he had been conceived and born. His hometown, of sorts... Even though he didn't remember it at all. He didn't remember anything, save little snatches of growing up in the orphanage...   
Sometimes that bothered him. Not remembering his childhood, all the good things that must have happened... if anything good had happened. At all. But there were just as many times when he was grateful, knowing that there were things he was so glad he didn't remember. And there would be things in the future he would forget, things he didn't want... Maybe...  
Maybe, in time, all the painful memories would be gone. He would do almost anything for that.  
And yet... things had happened in the past year that he never wanted to lose.   
It was more than he could handle, thinking about it. So he never did.  
Hey, we're here! Zell observed brightly, halting by the little shop at the wayside. Squall blinked and leaned against the signpost, carefully setting his bags on the ground.  
...So we are, he answered quietly, letting his gaze flicker up to Zell's, almost hesitant, almost shy... Things he never wanted to lose... It was undoubtable that his memories of Zell were high among those. The times he had smiled at him. The times he had touched him and hugged him. The times he had taken his hand and squeezed in the midst of battle when no one else could see. The times he had trained and fought and bled and died alongside him, but never backed away.   
All those times during the long struggle against Ultimecia.   
Even when he had wavered and broken under the pressure. Even when his personality took a one-eighty turn and his mind shattered to thousands of pieces, Zell had always been there. Zell had always stood beside him, no matter how he ignored him in favor of Rinoa.  
...Rinoa...  
It still didn't make sense to him... Seifer had said it with such a smug glint in his eye, leaning back in his chair and smirking...   
_Of course you don't actually love her! God, you always were a frickin' idiot. Every sorceress has a knight who adopts to their whims. You were just hers. And now that the problem's dealt with, you're gonna go back t' normal. I did. Now it's your turn.  
_ He'd been so angry then. He had been, he truly had been, and yet... Now, it was more of a relief to know there was an explanation. It had been so sudden, after all... It wasn't that he hated Rinoa, he never really had. She... she just annoyed him. Irritated him. Was a never-ending source of stress and frustration. She wanted to be protected. Specifically, protected by him. And... it had never been something he'd felt as though he could do. And she had merely unsettled him, like all girls like that did. But... when she had fallen into the coma...  
He'd become someone he hardly recognized. Someone he...  
  
Squall blinked out of his stupor into Zell's bright cerulean eyes, then jumped back in surprise. I-I was just... He trailed off, not sure what he had been thinking about anymore.  
Zell smiled at him warmly, then clapped one hand onto his shoulder. Let's go property scouting! the blond said cheerily. If we're gonna get you a vacation house... There's really no vacant houses here that are nice enough. I remember from when we were here playin' with the Chicobos last year. An' you're rich enough, with all your wages you don't spend. We could build you one, if you wanna...  
Squall cocked his head, then considered that. A house, built to his wants and expectations, without the shadows of past tenants... Something that was fresh and new, just his... It would be hard, to build a stable house without any experience, but... Maybe they could get some books somewhere, so they wouldn't have to hire a construction company, and if it was just for them, it wouldn't have to be very big...   
Zell was quiet during his musings, but began shifting impatiently on the balls of his feet after only a few minutes of silence. Squall steadfastly ignored him, sketching some form of a rough plan in his mind. A bathroom, of course, and a bedroom... Two bedrooms? No, that would be a rather puritan waste of space. It wasn't as though he didn't know Zell, didn't trust him... They could easily share a room. It could even be a small room. One bed, even, if-  
Squall blinked out of that thought abruptly, cheeks burning. He coughed quietly and looked down at the ground, scuffing one boot heel over the hard-packed dirt ground. The last thing he needed was to attract Zell's attention, have the blond see him blushing, then have to explain why, even when he wasn't sure why... It was only... During the war against Ultimecia, though most often in the early days, there had been times where they had had to share as little as a single sleeping bag in a tent small enough to fit beneath one tree, with at least two others in there with them. It seemed like sharing a room or a bed now would be nothing at all to worry either of them.  
But that had been before...  
Zell murmured again, this time softer, gentler. Squall blinked up from the ground, then jumped as one gloved hand settled onto his jaw, fingers squeezing his chin a little. He gazed down into his bright eyes with a hesitant curiousity, not taking a single step back even though he could feel himself begin to quiver a little. The warmth that radiated from both his eyes and his touch was almost too comfortable, too intimate to bear...  
We're gonna do this together, right?   
The question was so simple, but the uncertain cast of his features and the hopeful light that glimmered deep in fathomless blue indicated otherwise. Zell had always been like that... loading simple phrases with meaning that could lead to either a glowing smile or that dark silence and withdrawal, depending on whatever offhand response he might get... Anyone who thought the blond was as freewheeling as he first appeared was deluded. But it was an illusion Zell spread of his own free will.  
And Squall supposed that he had no place telling people to be themselves.  
Sometimes a facade was just necessary.  
And he had believed it too, for a while, at least. But now... he'd learned a while ago that it was worth the time to figure out what Zell was really talking about. And if he read him right...   
He took a deep breath, considering his answer carefully. It was one of the SeeD principles, after all, and far be it from him to disobey something he had been taught as truth since childhood. This would, after all, commit himself to actually following through... and it wasn't like a contract, that had set terms and a time to expire and couldn't be broken.  
This was life.  
he managed to whisper, lips twitching, wanting to smile... He wanted to do this with Zell. He wanted to spend his vacation with Zell. He wanted to build a little house in Winhill with Zell and live in it with Zell and decorate it with Zell and eat in it and and relax in it and sleep in it with Zell. He wanted to... He wanted to... He wanted to...  
He wanted to be with Zell as much as possible. And that was simple enough, wasn't it?...  
Zell whispered, grinning like an idiot. I wanna do this together...  
Squall only shivered when he kissed him, staying still and allowing Zell to slide an arm around his thin waist and hold him close. He... he felt nice... all tight muscle and warm skin, arms strong and yet gentle where they held him so tightly...   
What was this feeling...  
With a little shudder, Squall leaned closer to him, deliciously free and terrified all at the same time. Had he thought this through...? Maybe it was a bad idea. It had to be a bad idea. He was supposed to think things over carefully before he entered a relationship.  
And yet...  
He wanted to do this together...


	8. Determinations

  
***  
I'm sorry this took so long, I really really really am... But I went to camp, I went to Canada, and I got caught up with another fic, and such... but someone e-mailed me and now I want to work some more. ^_^ That, and a fic that has three pages of reviews deserves to be finished. I write for the reader as much as I write for myself.  
***  
  
Who's a cute little baby? I think you are! You are! Yes, you are!  
Squall heaved a sigh and sat heavily on the grass beside Zell, who had been cooing over the same Chicobo for about fifteen minutes now. It was impossible for them to pass through Winhill without stopping to play. Even when Irvine was with them.   
It had always been the three of them. Quistis and Selphie had always worked well together, and he'd not wanted to separate them... and Zell refused to be taken from his side. Every time they needed to split into groups, Zell would stand by his side, no matter why they were separating, no matter how much Rinoa insinuated she wanted to go with Squall.  
His pondering was interrupted by the sudden weight in his lap. Squall blinked, then peered down at the pile of feathers that was chirping cheerily up at him. Zell was wearing a cheeky grin, one finger still scritching the Chicobo that was now settled firmly on Squall's legs.  
Looked like ya needed t' play, Zell explained.  
Squall eyed him, then heaved a sigh and stared down at the bird.  
They sat in wordless quiet for some time, the Chicobo warking softly, Zell cooing faintly as he petted it.  
  
The blond perked up, leaning on his elbows. Squall leveled a Look on him, then sighed.  
Are we going to do something useful or not?  
Zell chuckled, stretching his muscled arms over his head, then draping on carelessly over his shoulders. Squall blinked at the sudden gesture, his back stiffening in a reaction that was almost instinct...  
And yet, he melted against the half-embrace almost instantly, a faint smile quirking his thin lips. Needed to play, indeed... After a moment, a long moment of his heart beating against his ears, he shifted slightly to lay his head against Zell's warm shoulder, uncertain... But rather than jumping away or laughing or anything, anything he could have feared, he only tugged him closer...  
You just don't know how to go on vacation, baby, Zell smiled against his hair. You don't do anything, that's the point! If you're gonna DO somethin', it's not vacation!  
  
Squall closed his eyes against Zell's shoulder, the Chicobo squirming a little in his lap, the wind playing affectionate fingers through his hair. He felt... almost small... cradled against his side, feeling his heartbeat through the cage of his ribs, one gloved hand petting over his arm, fingers scraping deep enough to be felt through his coat.   
Something about Zell had always made him feel small... His smile, his laugh echoing down the hallways, the unafraid touch of his hand. He was short. He sometimes seemed more comical than forbidding. He was an Everyman that everyone felt comfortable with. Not someone who you would ever expect to become a hero.  
Because he was the type of man who was a hero no matter what he did.   
Something about him was... just bigger and more grand than he could understand.   
Squall blinked, startling himself out of those thoughts as Zell shifted, the arm that had supported him suddenly disappearing. He craned his neck to peer over his shoulder, the fur that ridged his collar tickling his nose, the Chicobo squawking in protest as her seat was disrupted.  
Zell was lying on his back in the grass, arms and legs splayed out at angles that seemed almost painful, bright cerulean eyes watching the clouds move across the sky. Squall sat silently, unsure, letting the noon sun beat down on them both until he could feel beads of sweat soaking his shirt to his sides.  
he inquired archly after a few moments.   
Zell grinned, then curled his fingers into the back of Squall's leather jacket, tugging sharply. Try it. S fun.  
I'll get grass stains on my jacket, he protested calmly, allowing the Chicobo to scramble away. The fluffy bird preened for a moment, then bit him lightly on the knee and chirped itself away. It was just as well, he mused, watching the downy back hide amongst the grass. If they kept the baby much longer, her mother would get annoyed. And that was never a good thing, especially when they were unarmed.  
Oh, live a little, wouldja? That's what laundries are for!  
Squall settled for a sigh and compliance, knowing protesting would get him nowhere. Protesting had never gotten him anything but guilt, really...  
He couldn't bring himself to be annoyed by that.  
Strangely enough.  
Squall stretched out on the grass next to him agreeably. It was rather comfortable, actually... The grass was soft enough to not prickle his skin, the skin that was again becoming used to being inside... But after a moment of consideration, he slid out of his jacket. It was hot in Winhill during the summer... a knowledge that seemed almost second nature to him.  
Zell welcomed drowsily.   
How did you ever become a SeeD? Squall muttered, poking Zell almost irritably in the ribs. You can't just fall asleep whenever you're warm.  
Zell answered him with a raspberry and an arm flopped over his chest. Squall jumped, then focused surprised, wide eyes on his companion. Zell raised himself to one elbow next to him, having turned over easily to his stomach.  
I thought we could put the house in th' back of that field there, he nodded to where the Chicobo had disappeared. Nice n secluded for ya.   
Squall cast an obligatory glance at the space he had indicated, then nodded. It didn't really matter to him where the house was going to be. They could build it in the place with the penguins for all he cared...  
It was a curious thing, that even in the shade Zell had provided, the sun was still burning in his chest. He was still warm, almost uncomfortably hot, the light silhouetting Zell and flaming though his hair to light it like a crown of radiance...   
Is that fine for you? I mean, we could go into town if you wanna. That's fine with me, I mean, it's your house. But the Chicobos are fun t' play with, and it's out f the way, and it's halfway to both halves of the town, and-  
I love you.  
It had passed his lips without even his own permission, and he found himself blinking in dumb amazement at his own boldness. He was used to interrupting Zell's tirades, but it was usually with a command, or even an insult, something, anything other than words he couldn't ever remember having said before, not even to Ellone, to Matron, to anyone...   
But it couldn't possibly be untrue if he hadn't forced himself to say it. He had done that before, spouted untruths, but only after effort, only after thinking of them! But he had never lost control of his own voice box, never like that, never-  
His internal monologue was interrupted by the quiet taste of salt upon his lower lip, and he lifted his eyes to Zell's, only to see them brimming...   
Do you, now? the blond whispered, something he couldn't read in those eyes, some pain he couldn't imagine, something he knew he should remember, something that touched the depths of his mind and yet remained unknown...  
he responded soberly. You know I don't lie to you.  
At that Zell laughed, and that darkness he had glimpsed only for that brief moment was gone, gone into the familiar brightness. he chuckled. That's true. You never have, have ya?  
Squall let Zell tug him up into a tight hug, resting against his strong chest and closing his eyes to the serene expanse around them. This time he managed to return the embrace, if with a childish shyness. And if he had his way, it wouldn't end as quickly as the last one had.  
With whatever God there was as his witness, he wouldn't let this end.


	9. Author's Note

*author's note*  
  
Yes, this is the end.  
  
I thought that it was obvious enough… I suppose it wasn't, and I'm sorry.  
  
Especially to Drpyr, who has been a loyal fan. I wasn't sure if I was ending the fic there, with some answered questions or not. I suppose I should have said so.  
  
It's been a fun ride, and sorry if the end wasn't satisfying, but it seems exactly what I wanted. 


End file.
